2011 Not-Resolutions

The following are merely suggestions for myself to take on this year as to prevent a repeat of the festering turd of a year known as 2010. Feel free to adopt all, some, or none of these tips.

 

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Try to post on this blog more often. Bi-monthly posts are epically lame. In fact, I will post weekly. With a virtual gun pressed against my temple (smells more metallic-y than I expected) I am going to participate in the Post A Week 2011 challenge, and do as the title infers and post once a week (at least).

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Stuff losing weight. Go on, flaunt those lumpy mounds of cellulite like a Maury Povich guest. As if! Get off the couch you lazy slob, and seriously, stop eating goose fat straight from the can.

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Also, simply buying Women’s Health magazine is not going to make you healthy and fit. You actually have to do stuff.

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Throw the iMac off the balcony. This seems to be the only reasonable way to reduce time spent on Damn You Auto Correct and similarly time-wasting sites.

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Spend less time engaged in blog comment wars with people who probably live in a hollowed-out horse carcass in Adelaide. And don’t even bother questioning how they access the internet.

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Enrol in TAFE. It’ll totally be like the TV show Community. I’m certain it’s mandatory for all NSW TAFEs to be equipped with Secret Garden Trampolines and have at least one student sporting star-burns (see him in the top hat? Yeah, just like that).

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Don’t print off hundreds of job advertisements then proceed to apply for none of them. (For any employers hiring at the moment, you should note that I come equipped with a work ethic fiercer than Tyra Banks, incredibly well-developed triceps, and reverse parking abilities which most probably surpass Batman’s.)

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Start writing the novel you’ve always wanted to. Tell family and friends that you’re documenting recent UFO sightings and alien encounters, you know, so no one laughs at you.

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Do laundry more often than once every three months.

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Reconnect with an old friend. Buy her a quirky gift – like this brain necklace – once she completes her Ph.D in neuroscience. Because Alanis Morrisette knows, she may be the only person willing to join your to-be-launched comedy duo.

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Embrace and act upon those harebrained schemes rather than just indulging mindlessly in them as you drift off to sleep. Just like said comedy duo, Pulitzer Prize winning novel about a time travelling slinky, and eBay store specialising in imaginary-friendship bracelets.

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Always apply makeup in natural light. Even if you look like Angelina Jolie in the dimly lit bathroom mirror, you WILL look like a clown once you step outside! Trust me, I know (but I won’t tell you how).

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Stop wasting money on cosmetics with sensationalised miracle claims. They don’t work! Just accept you’ll be ugly forever.

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Become a YouTube sensation.

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Any more tips to brave 2011?

I think the last one will be the easiest to
achieve.