The 4 Cornerstones of a Successful Relationship
As you and your male companion combust in an explosion of love, beware the debris that may shoot out, possibly pierce an organ and slowly accumulate as routine and monotony take hold. Follow these few easy steps to avoid becoming a casualty of the very war you wage in a bid for love (also known as Relationship Fallout):
1.Maintain some air of mystery
It is quite possible in these financially challenging times and in such a competitive rental market, you and your boyfriend are sharing an apartment so small it is more suited to house a pair of quiet, tidy, pet-free Amoeba. Consequently, with this close living proximity, it is also likely you have encountered not so desirable situations and now know one another’s bowel movement schedule.
Don’t worry, it’s ok. I think it’s important that we realise our respective partners are in fact living, breathing, digesting human beings and not projections of perfection. But for goodness sake there is no need to leave your lady-stouche (pictured above-left) bleaching cream lying on the bathroom vanity!
2. Understand you are not a man
Yes it’s true, guys like a girl with a healthy appetite (I have this on the authority of the International Dude Council). I think they become perplexed by women who order a salad with a side of cardboard. But unless you are some sort of genetic freak like Miranda Kerr, chances are your lovely figure is due to arduous hours spent pumping iron, and sheer mental will power to say no to that layered chocolate mousse cake. Yet that can all fall by the wayside as your boyfriend’s pheromones and ‘honeymoon’ period euphoria cloud your judgement.
It’s very easy to pick up your boyfriends eating habits – according to the Weight Watchers magazine from the doctor’s waiting room, a woman may gain up to 13kg over the course of a relationship due to this – but please ladies resist. Most men, with their bountiful biceps have a higher basal metabolic rate than women (read: they burn more energy than us while doing sweet eff all). I would know. My boyfriend is forever offering me portions of the junk he chows down on; three years and ten kilos later I’m not much of a Happy Chappy. Next time he offers you a slice of that entire cheesecake he is eating, think of me sitting here in my trackies (because I don’t fit any of my jeans), and just politely refuse.
3. Service and repair brain to mouth wiring
Now I’m getting a bit more serious, and telling you something I’m sure you’ve heard a million times before; but this has to be one of the most important pieces of relationship (and life in general, for that matter) advise ever spoken aloud. Think before you speak!
While on a ninety minute drive to meet family for a Christmas gathering, my friend* and her BF encountered many roads that could use a little (or lot of) attention. As the BF was driving it felt like he managed to veer directly into every pothole, divet and area of crumbling road possible. In her head she was screaming “Are you blind? Where did you learn to drive? Would you like to turn around a hit any potholes you may have missed? Pull over, I’m driving!” and yet her lips remained closed.
Some fights are not worth starting if you really love someone and want to maintain a healthy relationship. Really, what would it have accomplished? If you are someone that would have allowed those words to spew forth from your mouth, then maybe you’re looking to pick a fight as a way out of the relationship. Or maybe you thrive on the drama. Obviously, if there is a serious issue that is concerning you, don’t sit in silence twiddling your thumbs. Good communication provides the foundation for a healthy relationship, find a tactful way to express your feelings, but don’t just pick a fight for the hell of it.
4. Does not exist
OK, so there are only actually 3 steps to follow. Gimme a break, you can’t expect me to dish out awesome relationship advice and count accurately.
*May or may not actually be author of this essay
AUTHOR’S NOTE: beccertron graduated from Smarty-Pants University with a Ph.D in Know-It-All-ness, thus designating her as an authority in All Things. By reading this sentence you have entered into a legally-binding contract by which you must agree to regard all beccertron’s advice as sound and very sensible.
