The Bridesmaid Beat Edition 1
Welcome to The Bridesmaid Beat.
The other day I was thinking “It’s always about the bride. What about her suffering minions?” And so is born a string of blog posts fleshing out the duties and etiquette required of a bridesmaid, as well as my experiences during my stint as a bridesmaid (maid of honour, no less) scheduled for fruition October 2011.
In our first edition of The Bridesmaid Beat is a short narrative describing a scene from the first day of wedding dress shopping with the bride and fellow bridesmaids.
She forced a concerned and sympathetic look across her face. It was about as transparent as any non-lead-containing material in Superman’s line of sight, and the same one she offers to a friend when they tell her their pet rock is feeling a bit blue.
She sits the two girls down, and looks deep into their eyes. Her furrowed brow slightly raises. Frown and surprise lines knit together to covey an even deeper expression of (obviously feigned) benevolence.
“Guys,” she says, keeping it casual, “look, I’m so happy you have both agreed to be my bridesmaids, and I just want to let you know that I don’t want either of you to feel pressured to lose weight for my wedding.”
The two seated bridesmaids exchange glances of disbelief, and both desperately wish to roll their eyes to emphasise the affront.
The first bridesmaid offers an equally tender response to humour the bride “Don’t worry, we know you don’t expect that of us.”
The second bridesmaid, however, is not tolerant of that particular variety of bullshit and attempts to cut the exchange short “Do we really need to discuss this? It all goes without saying.”
Faced with this unexpected reaction the bride decides to back pedal by the method she deems appropriate and engages an even stronger fake-compassionate face, if it were at all possible, and says “Oh, I know, but I just wanted to make sure…”
The second bridesmaid cuts the bride short once more and reiterates her position, “Can we please not have this conversation?”
After 2.7 seconds of awkward silence, the three girls continue to explore their way through rack after rack of mountains of silk and tulle.
How can we interpret the bride’s motives? Well, there are a few ways:
1. The bride is delusional. She expects the bridesmaids to react by bowing down at her feet, chanting her praise in Sanskrit, before bathing her in exotic essential oils. She is trying to exemplify that she is not some sort of stereotypical Bridezilla, whom has ridiculous expectations of her bridesmaids. But by making a performance of it, she has become Douche-zilla.
2. If the bride is telling you not to lose weight then there are two possible reasons, a) she wants you to lose weight, and b) she doesn’t.
a) If she does want you to lose weight then she’s saying not to, just to bring to light that you in fact (and in her opinion) are overweight, and it’ll ruin her wedding photos if all the bridesmaids do not resemble matchsticks. This is the typical no-means-yes, female double speak.
b) On the other hand you may be a Bridal Grenade* and the bride is truthful in what she tells you, because she wants to look slammin’ in comparison to you. She definitely does NOT want you to achieve a total body overhaul and outshine her on her wedding day. If you are truly a good friend, then you may even consider severing a limb. There’s no way your stump can compete with her fully intact body.
c) Good bloody luck deciphering whether a or b applies.
d) And don’t go kidding yourself, there’s no point in believing that this bride is actually a kind, compassionate person truly trying to alleviate any possible perceived pressures and misconceptions associated with being in the bridal party.
3. This wedding is all about the bride**. Her bridesmaids are not the only worry on her plate, she has flowers and childhood collages to organise too. She wants to select and purchase bridesmaids gowns as efficiently as breaking the neck of a suffering kangaroo, which was hit by a car and there’s no vet within 100km (just remember to check the pouch for joeys). She doesn’t want to endure ten fittings and alterations of your dress because you started going to the gym as soon as you received the honour of being selected as a bridesmaid (and it is an honour, never take for granted this prestigious opportunity).
4. If the bride gives you the ‘don’t feel pressured to lose weight’ spiel, and your ass is tighter than Miley Cyrus’ miniskirt, then I’m sorry but she’s a bit of a bitch.
*If you’re a fat bridesmaid chances are you are a bridal grenade. Just like the fat girl that accompanies the ‘good-looking’ friend out to a club, your job is to make the bride appear thinner and hotter. If you claim this is not true because you and your bride have been friends for life, I’m sorry to tell you but you’ve been a grenade for a lot longer.
**The wedding day, and the entire twelve months leading up to it are all about the bride. No exceptions. Even on your birthday. If the bride sees fit, she can interrupt you during your grandmother’s funeral to evaluate tablecloth swatches.
LESSON FOR THE BRIDE: Never start this conversation. No good can ever come of it. I probably don’t need hear about your current juice cleanse, and foot detoxing patches either. And always remember we bridesmaids have leverage. So much is entrusted to our clumsy hands. Wouldn’t it be a shame if you found mustard smeared on your train before the ceremony has even taken place. Just think about it.
