Welcome to The Bridesmaid Beat.

The other day I was thinking “It’s always about the bride. What about her suffering minions?” And so is born a string of blog posts fleshing out the duties and etiquette required of a bridesmaid, as well as my experiences during my stint as a bridesmaid (maid of honour, no less) scheduled for fruition October 2011.

In our first edition of The Bridesmaid Beat is a short narrative describing a scene from the first day of wedding dress shopping with the bride and fellow bridesmaids.

She forced a concerned and sympathetic look across her face. It was about as transparent as any non-lead-containing material in  Superman’s line of sight, and the same one she offers to a friend when they tell her their pet rock is feeling a bit blue.

She sits the two girls down, and looks deep into their eyes. Her furrowed brow slightly raises. Frown and surprise lines knit together to covey an even deeper expression of (obviously feigned) benevolence.

“Guys,” she says, keeping it casual, “look, I’m so happy you have both agreed to be my bridesmaids, and I just want to let you know that I don’t want either of you to feel pressured to lose weight for my wedding.”

The two seated bridesmaids exchange glances of disbelief, and both desperately wish to roll their eyes to emphasise the affront.

The first bridesmaid offers an equally tender response to humour the bride “Don’t worry, we know you don’t expect that of us.”

The second bridesmaid, however, is not tolerant of that particular variety of bullshit and attempts to cut the exchange short “Do we really need to discuss this? It all goes without saying.”

Faced with this unexpected reaction the bride decides to back pedal by the method she deems appropriate and engages an even stronger fake-compassionate face, if it were at all possible, and says “Oh, I know, but I just wanted to make sure…”

The second bridesmaid cuts the bride short once more and reiterates her position, “Can we please not have this conversation?”

After 2.7 seconds of awkward silence, the three girls continue to explore their way through rack after rack of mountains of silk and tulle.

How can we interpret the bride’s motives? Well, there are a few ways:

1. The bride is delusional. She expects the bridesmaids to react by  bowing down at her feet, chanting her praise in Sanskrit, before bathing her in exotic essential oils. She is trying to exemplify that she is not some sort of stereotypical Bridezilla, whom has ridiculous expectations of her bridesmaids.  But by making a performance of it, she has become Douche-zilla.

2. If the bride is telling you not to lose weight then there are two possible reasons, a) she wants you to lose weight, and b) she doesn’t.

a) If she does want you to lose weight then she’s saying not to, just to bring to light that you in fact (and in her opinion) are overweight, and it’ll ruin her wedding photos if all the bridesmaids do not resemble matchsticks. This is the typical no-means-yes, female double speak.

b) On the other hand you may be a Bridal Grenade* and the bride is truthful in what she tells you, because she wants to look slammin’ in comparison to you. She definitely does NOT want you to achieve a total body overhaul and outshine her on her wedding day. If you are truly a good friend, then you may even consider severing a limb. There’s no way your stump can compete with her fully intact body.

c) Good bloody luck deciphering whether a or b applies.

d) And don’t go kidding yourself, there’s no point in believing that this bride is actually a kind, compassionate person truly trying to alleviate any possible perceived pressures and misconceptions associated with being in the bridal party.

3. This wedding is all about the bride**. Her bridesmaids are not the only worry on her plate, she has flowers and childhood collages to organise too. She wants to select and purchase bridesmaids gowns as efficiently as breaking the neck of a suffering kangaroo, which was hit by a car and there’s no vet within 100km (just remember to check the pouch for joeys). She doesn’t want to endure ten fittings and alterations of your dress because you started going to the gym as soon as you received the honour of being selected as a bridesmaid (and it is an honour, never take for granted this prestigious opportunity).

4. If the bride gives you the ‘don’t feel pressured to lose weight’ spiel, and your ass is tighter than Miley Cyrus’ miniskirt, then I’m sorry but she’s a bit of a bitch.

*If you’re a fat bridesmaid chances are you are a bridal grenade. Just like the fat girl that accompanies the ‘good-looking’ friend out to a club, your job is to make the bride appear thinner and hotter.  If you claim this is not true because you and your bride have been friends for life, I’m sorry to tell you but you’ve been a grenade for a lot longer.

**The wedding day, and the entire twelve months leading up to it are all about the bride. No exceptions. Even on your birthday. If the bride sees fit, she can interrupt you during your grandmother’s funeral to evaluate tablecloth swatches.

LESSON FOR THE BRIDE: Never start this conversation. No good can ever come of it. I probably don’t need hear about your current juice cleanse, and foot detoxing patches either. And always remember we bridesmaids have leverage. So much is entrusted to our clumsy hands. Wouldn’t it be a shame if you found mustard smeared on your train before the ceremony has even taken place. Just think about it.

Bloglovin’ had me a blast

Bloglovin’ happened so fast

Blog stalker crazy for me

At least their Gravatar’s cute as can be

Blogin’ days driftin’ away, to uh-oh those blogin’ nights

Bloglovin is so awesome it has me parodying songs! Get yo-self in on the action.

As you and your male companion combust in an explosion of love, beware the debris that may shoot out, possibly pierce an organ and slowly accumulate as routine and monotony take hold. Follow these few easy steps to avoid becoming a casualty of the very war you wage in a bid for love (also known as Relationship Fallout):

1.Maintain some air of mystery

It is quite possible in these financially challenging times and in such a competitive rental market, you and your boyfriend are sharing an apartment so small it is more suited to house a pair of quiet, tidy, pet-free Amoeba. Consequently, with this close living proximity, it is also likely you have encountered not so desirable situations and now know one another’s bowel movement schedule.

Don’t worry, it’s ok. I think it’s important that we realise our respective partners are in fact living, breathing, digesting human beings and not projections of perfection. But for goodness sake there is no need to leave your lady-stouche (pictured above-left) bleaching cream lying on the bathroom vanity!

2. Understand you are not a man

Yes it’s true, guys like a girl with a healthy appetite (I have this on the authority of the International Dude Council). I think they become perplexed by women who order a salad with a side of cardboard. But unless you are some sort of genetic freak like Miranda Kerr, chances are your lovely figure is due to arduous hours spent pumping iron, and sheer mental will power to say no to that layered chocolate mousse cake. Yet that can all fall by the wayside as your boyfriend’s pheromones and ‘honeymoon’ period euphoria cloud your judgement.

It’s very easy to pick up your boyfriends eating habits – according to the Weight Watchers magazine from the doctor’s waiting room, a woman may gain up to 13kg over the course of a relationship due to this – but please ladies resist. Most men, with their bountiful biceps have a higher basal metabolic rate than women (read: they burn more energy than us while doing sweet eff all).  I would know. My boyfriend is forever offering me portions of the junk he chows down on; three years and ten kilos later I’m not much of a Happy Chappy. Next time he offers you a slice of that entire cheesecake he is eating, think of me sitting here in my trackies (because I don’t fit any of my jeans), and just politely refuse.

3. Service and repair brain to mouth wiring

Now I’m getting a bit more serious, and telling you something I’m sure you’ve heard a million times before; but this has to be one of the most important pieces of relationship (and life in general, for that matter) advise ever spoken aloud. Think before you speak!

While on a ninety minute drive to meet family for a Christmas gathering, my friend* and her BF encountered many roads that could use a little (or lot of) attention. As the BF was driving it felt like he managed to veer directly into every pothole, divet and area of crumbling road possible. In her head she was screaming “Are you blind? Where did you learn to drive? Would you like to turn around a hit any potholes you may have missed? Pull over, I’m driving!” and yet her lips remained closed.

Some fights are not worth starting if you really love someone and want to maintain a healthy relationship. Really, what would it have accomplished? If you are someone that would have allowed those words to spew forth from your mouth, then maybe you’re looking to pick a fight as a way out of the relationship. Or maybe you thrive on the drama. Obviously, if there is a serious issue that is concerning you, don’t sit in silence twiddling your thumbs. Good communication provides the foundation for a healthy relationship, find a tactful way to express your feelings, but don’t just pick a fight for the hell of it.

4. Does not exist

OK, so there are only actually 3 steps to follow. Gimme a break, you can’t expect me to dish out awesome relationship advice and count accurately.

*May or may not actually be author of this essay

AUTHOR’S NOTE: beccertron graduated from Smarty-Pants University with a Ph.D in Know-It-All-ness, thus designating her as an authority in All Things. By reading this sentence you have entered into a legally-binding contract by which you must agree to regard all beccertron’s advice as sound and very sensible.

To be successful at the Post A Week 2011 Challenge I really need to pick up my game and limit absurd junk (like my last post) to small snacks in-between hearty, satisfying blog meals – which hopefully keep people coming back for seconds, just like my mum’s port-soaked Christmas trifle.

So while trying to squeeze creativity from my brain, like blood from a stone, it finally dawned on me. I was scrolling through Joe Hildebrand’s (@Joe_Hildebrand) blog at The Daily Telegraph, and I realised, like him, I could write about absolutely anything; things happening in my life, things happening in the media, and even my parent’s fat, sixteen year old cat with bowel irregularities.

So, what are some things happening in my life right now?

I’m having a career dilemma (but I’m too seriously in denial to address it at the moment)

I’m alone in my pyjama’s in my stinking hot apartment and not bothering with the a/c or fan (read: sweating profusely). Feels just like a sauna, so I’m like detoxing, right?

I’m eating tomato and cheese on crackers

Tonight I’m going out to dinner with the girls – DING DING DING! We have a winner.

Because dinner with the girls is not just dinner with the girls. I’m going to dinner to meet the other female constituents of a bridal party of which I am also a member.

So there we have it. Up until the month of October, when the sweet nuptials will be exchanged, I will be dishing out regular advice on how to be the perfect bridesmaid. Whether it be by following my example or avoiding the mistakes I make. Of course, my blog will not be consumed by bridal table settings and flower arrangements (there’s still plenty of space for the ridiculous), but it helps to have a regular theme to stick to, say, at least once a month. 2011 isn’t looking so bad after all.

Did you read this post?

Are you willing to stroke my ego by way of a comment?

What recurring topic will feature in your blog this year?

Kali ma!

It would be fun to make a music video clip using the HEARTBEAT song with TEMPLE OF DOOM footage….. one day….. patience Iago.

I belive dick-heads are known as hipsters in the good ol’ US of A:

Being a Dickhead’s Cool

Save the huemul:

Poor Huemul

If you’ve never seen The IT Crowd, then start watching now (or else):

The IT Crowd: Piracy Warning

So long.

Stay tuned for more important stuff, now with newly added unsolicited advice.

The following are merely suggestions for myself to take on this year as to prevent a repeat of the festering turd of a year known as 2010. Feel free to adopt all, some, or none of these tips.

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Try to post on this blog more often. Bi-monthly posts are epically lame. In fact, I will post weekly. With a virtual gun pressed against my temple (smells more metallic-y than I expected) I am going to participate in the Post A Week 2011 challenge, and do as the title infers and post once a week (at least).

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Stuff losing weight. Go on, flaunt those lumpy mounds of cellulite like a Maury Povich guest. As if! Get off the couch you lazy slob, and seriously, stop eating goose fat straight from the can.

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Also, simply buying Women’s Health magazine is not going to make you healthy and fit. You actually have to do stuff.

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Throw the iMac off the balcony. This seems to be the only reasonable way to reduce time spent on Damn You Auto Correct and similarly time-wasting sites.

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Spend less time engaged in blog comment wars with people who probably live in a hollowed-out horse carcass in Adelaide. And don’t even bother questioning how they access the internet.

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Enrol in TAFE. It’ll totally be like the TV show Community. I’m certain it’s mandatory for all NSW TAFEs to be equipped with Secret Garden Trampolines and have at least one student sporting star-burns (see him in the top hat? Yeah, just like that).

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Don’t print off hundreds of job advertisements then proceed to apply for none of them. (For any employers hiring at the moment, you should note that I come equipped with a work ethic fiercer than Tyra Banks, incredibly well-developed triceps, and reverse parking abilities which most probably surpass Batman’s.)

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Start writing the novel you’ve always wanted to. Tell family and friends that you’re documenting recent UFO sightings and alien encounters, you know, so no one laughs at you.

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Do laundry more often than once every three months.

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Reconnect with an old friend. Buy her a quirky gift – like this brain necklace – once she completes her Ph.D in neuroscience. Because Alanis Morrisette knows, she may be the only person willing to join your to-be-launched comedy duo.

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Embrace and act upon those harebrained schemes rather than just indulging mindlessly in them as you drift off to sleep. Just like said comedy duo, Pulitzer Prize winning novel about a time travelling slinky, and eBay store specialising in imaginary-friendship bracelets.

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Always apply makeup in natural light. Even if you look like Angelina Jolie in the dimly lit bathroom mirror, you WILL look like a clown once you step outside! Trust me, I know (but I won’t tell you how).

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Stop wasting money on cosmetics with sensationalised miracle claims. They don’t work! Just accept you’ll be ugly forever.

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Become a YouTube sensation.

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Any more tips to brave 2011?

I think the last one will be the easiest to
achieve.

Hello Chloe Sevigny, you saucy quirky little thing, you. Your pic from a 2008 Missbehave photo shoot will forever remind me to embrace my individuality and that it’s totally cool to wear socks and sandals (and possibly cause me to yearn for your legs).

Did Kate Sylvester see Chloe’s spread in Missbehave too? Because it looks like the socks and sandals combo is cottoning on – right onto the catwalk.  These images are from the RAFW 2010 back in May, but I don’t want that vintage whimsical tone ever to fade. Oh, and please allow me to brag. Socks and sandals were totally my thing when I was nine years old, I must have been very sartorially advanced.

I’m coveting this cute Little Circus Design print. Sigh. It would really brighten up my hallway. Question: what’s with the skull in the egg?

Zoe Deschanel became my hair muse after I watched 500 Days of Summer. Don’t I sound like a massive  hipster? Touché, but it’s not actually a big change from my naturally long brunette maine anyway. Let’s just admire her shiny brown locks and petty blue eyes, shall we.

Scarlett Johansson wore her own Levi 501′s for her role as Anna in He’s Just Not That Into You, and I just can’t get enough of that relaxed, casual look.

Hopefully by next Autum I’ll be able to fit into my own pair for 501′s I bought from General Pants Co some time ago. I think I may need to display them on my wall like artwork, for a little motivation.

Last but not least, this recent photo of Jess Hart has become the template for my Summer make up. Flawless bronzed skin, natural groomed eyebrows, low-key top knot, bright lips and a touch of gold on the inner corners of the eyes. I swoon!

Enjoy this bevy of aesthetic delight!

Recently while cleaning I came across a card my four-year old niece had made for my boyfriend and I, to thank us for taking her to see Toy Story 3. It was filled with her proud illustrations.

Above is a picture from the card. It depicts myself, my niece and the boyfriend. I thought it was rather lovely.

Look at this next drawing from the card. Another lovely picture of flowers and love hearts. Wrong! Look closely. What is that small blue figure in between two of the flowers? That’s what we all wanted to know. My sister and I proceeded to enquire, “What’s that?” we ask pointing to the mysterious object. “Oh, that’s just a dead flower” she replied nonchalantly. We both burst out laughing.

So it turns out my niece isn’t the innocent, Dora-the-Explorer-obsessed little girl I once thought, she has quite a grasp on the world and it’s realities.

that feeling you get after doing a good deed

pretty things

anything that makes me laugh

And when it’s a bunch of talented  ladies making me laugh, I get this weird feeling of girl-pride deep in my heart, which is usually accompanied by Sisters Are Doin’ it for themselves playing in my head.

So I would like to share this wonderfully funny video from College Humor, written by Sarah Schneider.

College Humor videos are also great, if like me, you have the attention span of a four year old, and like to watch your funnies in short, two to three minute clips.

If I could, I would be quite happy to spend all my time parodying Proactiv commercials on YouTube.

Tell me, what gives you a dose of girl-pride? Or am I just totally weird?

* it feels so unnatural to spell humour the American way